that was exactly what it was
I dreamt of a shark in a small rectangular pool
and somehow it rose out of the water with
its sharp white teeth and it killed or was
killed and it was somehow my fault
because I had provoked and
prodded it and now it was
huge and wouldn’t
go away
and the EU envoy asked me: how many people
did you talk to from the Panjshir
and I broke into the sweat of feeling found out
—two, I said randomly, and five who had
information from their family or
friends—and everything felt
shaky because that was
exactly what it was
and I woke and thought: should I have said six
would that have been better?
and now, four reasons to be okay
one—you deserve the edges of your day
the calm that comes from briefly
not thinking of other people
two—it’s okay
you will not make them disappear
or cause them to immediately stumble
your attention is not like a prayer
not like the bread of life that
makes them hunger
when withheld
three—their feet are not that feeble
and you are not their God, you do not
need to hold them close like that
four—there is no how for most of your tasks
and the trees and the sky
and the shelter of time
how much had to come together to make this happen
do you see those golden squares
their softened edges luminous against the wall
as the sun throws its light in through the windows
see how this house, with its more than three stories
and the forethought not to close off the whole wall
but to place glass and a cross-shaped divider
see how this all came together in this moment
when this iteration of the sun, on this day
rose up over these trees that took maybe fifty years
to become this high, but not so high that they would
block out the light
and already these slanted patterns
are fading, I wish I could take them with me
imagine this place with no houses, no city
this chair I’m sitting on not suspended seven metres
above the ground, not looking out over a roundabout
that would not be here either
Martin van Biljert is a poet and novelist, who grew up in Iran, now lives in the Netherlands and in between worked as a humanitarian aid worker, diplomat, researcher and independent political analyst, mostly in Afghanistan—a country she still closely follows from afar.
